The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part Five

Part Five: Closed on Account of being Soiled

I have received many messages from readers on the fact that I should make more lists of things like I did in the earlier stages of blogging. As you can tell from previous blogs, I'm trying to do just that. So get the fuck off my back about it!!

I also have received several requests to bring back the "Guess what Clint's Listening to Now?!" topic. Seeing as I have not been living in an apartment below Clint for a year now, this subject seemed moot. But still, I suppose I enjoy the idea of still trying to guess.
So, here are my guesses as to what Clint is listening to right now:

- A nice piece of progressive rock, circa 1977 or thereabouts.

- Dogs barking at nothing, and barking, and barking, and barking.

- The sounds of Bleach, as only his ears can detect.

- His redneck neighbors plot his demise.

Please feel free to add your own guesses to the list. The closest guess will win a used wetnap and the scorn of the Allen. Clint Allen and those related to Clint Allen are not only eligible, but required to submit guesses. A sandwich is only considered a sandwich when two or more slices of bread are involved. Folding the bread in half over it's contents does not make it a sandwich, but rather a sad looking mock hotdog type thing. That has really nothing to do with this post, it's just from a drunken argument I had once.

The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part Four

I have been asked several times over the past year when I'm going to move back to Louisville. In all honesty, I can't get mad at this question due to the fact that it's because I have attempted to move away three other times from that spider's web of a town, each time returning to it in just about a years time. Granted, two of the attempts landed me in Iowa, and the other, in State College PA.....so, I can't really be blamed for going back.
And, in truth, I loved Louisville. I wouldn't have moved back constantly or stayed for the amount of time there, had I not loved that place. The area is absolutely beautiful. The city has a great history that can still be felt in the old buildings of downtown and Old Louisville area. I have met and friended some of the most creative, unique and intelligent people there....and even though it's near, Louisville is not Indiana.
But, even that being said, I knew for a long time that I needed to move from there, but allowed myself to get stuck in what was basically an unhealthy situation. This is a hard subject to explain, but the just of it is that the bad started to outweigh the good for me there.
Anyone reading this who has moved around while growing up, or who has traveled enough I'm sure will agree that almost everywhere that you go in the U.S., things stay basically the same. The cities usually have the same problems with zoning, crime, racial tensions. There is always that group of people at the bar that says there is never anything to do in this town. The local radio station has that guy who is the morning commute madman dj, and the local weather interrupts your favorite show to let you know that it might sprinkle fifty miles from where you are. There are just as many constant good points, but listing the bad are always more fun. But, underneath all of this is what makes every place that you go in the states slightly different....even more so than geography. For lack of a better term, let's say that this is the town or city's attitude. This is the feeling that you get somewhere that differentiates it from everywhere else that you've been. It is the feeling spurred on by the people that you know, meet, interact with. It is even there with you when you are watching the local television, listening to local radio, or even when you find yourself totally alone.
Let's just say that for me, the attitude that I attributed with Louisville had for years become almost unbearable.
Once that starts to happen you begin to notice the other things about an area that you consider negative. Like I said before, Louisville contains some of the most intelligent, creative people that I have ever been fortunate enough to meet. I have also said that Louisville is a spider's web. Most of those people will never actually do anything with their talent or dreams. Louisville is a very very easy place to live in, which makes it also a very hard place to leave or get beyond. In my opinion, I'd have to say that at least 90% of anyone worth a damn in that town will never accomplish anything. Hell, most of the successful artists, musicians and writer's you hear of from Louisville are people that have come from there, only being noticed after having left. It is a very rare thing for one to become successful while staying there.
It's true that every so often there is an attempt to revive the artistic culture within the town, and while these attempts are valiant, they more often than not turn into nothing more than gatherings of wine drinking squishy peoples who spend their time talking shit on those who happened not to be present at the time, only to act like their best friends upon encountering them later. Not only that, but I have watched the great music scene slowly dwindle to the point of closet dust over the years....so much so that touring bands won't hardly even consider Louisville for a resting point. Hell, even Dave Chappel vowed that he would never return to the city due to the lack of respect he was shown during his show there.
Honestly, I'm not trying to offend anyone with this post, it's more of an explanation of why I left and why my answer to the questions of when I will be moving back is, never. I do miss Louisville. I miss my close friends, the large trees and beautiful architecture. I miss the feeling of inspiration that I originally felt upon moving there. I miss the comfortable feeling of knowing my surroundings like my own skin and not being able to walk a whole block without running into a friend. I miss the Bristol (the old haunt) and their Green Chili Wantons. I miss Chai at Highland Coffee and being able to walk anywhere that I needed to get to.
But, I don't miss any of this enough to want to live there again.
Despite all of this, I am still a fan of Louisville. I lived in that city for longer than anyplace else my entire life, and for that reason I will always consider it my home town, that and also because Kansas City won't let me consider it for that due to the fact that I'm not a fan of Bar B Que.
I only hate Louisville about 10%.

The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part Three

Part Three: the Lonely Sandbag with a Leak

Here are some random, completely untrue facts about the new state that I have decided to call home:

- Colorado is both the 38th as well as the 43rd state of the United States.....it makes sense if you accept the fact that Idaho doesn't really exist.

- The state bird is the groundhog.

- Colorado is home to the highest population of nocturnal randomly howling dogs.

- Colorado and Kansas have been at war since 1861, but the Colorado Militia hasn't led an offensive for over a hundred years due to the fact that Kansas is so unorganized, they keep attacking themselves.

- Shuffleboard is outlawed in Denver.

- Not being smug is outlawed in Boulder.

- The state bird is the Mexican.

- The Rocky Mountains were originally named the 'Lenny Mountains', until Lenny got flattened by a rock.

- Colorado has the highest percentage of stolen American Flags in the states.

- Colorado has the second highest number of hacky sack related deaths, second only to Indiana of all places.....but that's probably because Indiana's state motto is "kill the hippies".

- Colorado is home to what is known as "the Most Unsuccessful Sea-Port in the World".

- The state bird is Bob Denver.

- About 34% of all Coloradans are not in the other 66% in this poll alone.

- The rain never makes it to the ground in Colorado. EVER!

- Denver has the third highest population of Emo kids, who buy their depression from Hot Topic.

- Just like every other state, Colorado is the birthplace of the cheeseburger, which is a bragging right I've always wondered about.

- Colorado is the home and headquarters for the Society of Cannibals against Rational Thought.....or P.E.T.A. for short.

- Four out of every three Coloradans believe in unicorns, whether they admit it or not.

- Greeting someone is considered 'foreplay' in Fort Collins.

- Colorado's state motto is "at Least We're Not Montana"....which is also the same state motto for Nevada.

...and that's enough for now. I will most definitely have more fun and completely untrue facts to share with you as the future unfolds for me in my new surroundings.

The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part Two

Part Two: I'm Only Safe when You're at Walmart

So, I am under the impression that I owe you all another list of ten facts thanks to Rachael.....but this time, ten facts about vomiting. So let's get started, shall we?

1. I really have no reason ever to set foot into a McDonalds, due in part to hating the place as well as seeing Supersize Me, but even more than that, McDonald's food has always held a slight aroma in my mind that can only be compared to the vomit and sawdust combination that traumatized many of us back in grade school whenever one of our classmates threw up all over his or her desktop.

2. I once threw up in a friend's fish tank. There were no survivors.

3. I would much rather vomit in public at any given day in any giving circumstance than shit myself ever. If you are new to this blog, my fear of poop filled pants was covered in a previous list of ten random facts.

4. While I can't think of any time vomiting is actually enjoyable, throwing up while incredibly too stoned on pot is probably the worst of times. I don't smoke the stuff any more, haven't really for a long long time (damn becoming somewhat responsible!), but if memory serves, it was a bad enough feeling getting sick while high that I just might opt to shit myself instead.

5. My mother is the absolute most sensitive person in the world when it comes to puke. If she see's someone throw up, she'll follow suit shortly after. If she even hears the sounds of gagging, she's sure to vomit! My brother and I used this knowledge to our advantage while growing up. Sorry mom!

6. I nearly wet myself during the vomiting scene of Team America. Not only because it was one of the funniest scenes of the movie, but I discovered that even puppets puking can make my mother sick.

7. A balloon just floated past my window. That has nothing to do with vomit or vomiting, but I thought I'd share.

8. I remember being sick in the middle of the night several times when I was a small zombiespoon. I remember my father placing a large pot next to my bed in case I had to throw up in the wee hours of the morning, and I remember having to use that pot to catch the half digested contents of my stomach.
Now, I also remember being sent to my room for the nights I refused to eat dinner when I saw that same fucking pot being used to cook chili in!

9. I think someone should write a book about throwing up in every state. Clint? I'd buy that coffee table book before Kevin's Church Sign book.

10. My school took the entire eighth grade class to King's Island at the end of the school year. Some of my friend's and I managed to sneak vodka in with us and proceeded to get "tore up" for lack of a better way to put it. My diet that day consisted of much popcorn and too much vodka. You probably see where this is going, but just wait, it gets even better.
I finally braved the line for the coaster dubbed 'the Beast' (I have an insane hatred of lines). I also managed to get myself placed in the very first car. Now, about a few minutes into the ride came the realization that I was going to get sick. Not the "God I hope I don't get sick" or the "Maybe I can hold off getting sick"....no. This was the "Oh, here it comes" sick.
I remember having the vision of the coaster that someone got sick on where they threw up to one side and covered the side of the car. I didn't want to be that person. In my eighth grade inebriated state I had the genius idea that when my insides made their way out, I would vomit them into the sky above me, avoiding car covering disaster and probably winning the key to the city and a date with Madonna. (Keep in mind, this was the 80's). So, when the event happened shortly after, I threw my head back triumphantly, expecting my puke to fly into the heavens. What actually happened was that the entire top of my head became saturated with vodka, popcorn and stomach acid, followed shortly by the screams of everyone who was unfortunate to be sitting in the cars behind me that day.
I did not get the key to the city that day....nor has Madonna ever called.

The Story of Soggy Toast....in Ten Parts...Part One

Part One: the Butter Dish Dust

I have been terrible at keeping up not only with this here bloggish type tool, but with friends and family in general. I have been meaning to update everyone with the tale of leaving Pennsylvania for Kansas City, and then the journey onward to Colorado....but what I just typed is all that you are going to get. Sorry. Too much time has passed and what I had originally formed to write in my mind has been replaced with little dancing bunnies wielding knives and grinning at me menacingly.....so I choose not to think of it.

The big news is this: basically I am now becoming a Coloradian, or whatever the hell they call themselves here. At least for the time being, if not longer.
I am currently living in a little town just North of Denver called Westminster, in an apartment shared to me by my brother and our friend Kristen.
What started as a visit has now turned into a relocation.
My stuff, on the other hand, is still living in Pennsylvania.....I bet it hasn't found work either.