One man's Waste is another Man's Soap

Once again we find ourselves entering the month of purification, which, incidentally, is also the shortest month of the year. Yes, I speak of our favorite lunation, February. Not only the last month added to the calendar by the winter hating Romans, but also the time of the year that the Anglo-Saxons named after cabbage (no, I didn't make that up!).
But despite the harsh treatments by Romans, Saxons and the month of January (which forced it's round "u" vowel on February, forcing everyone to mispronounce it by eclipsing the first 'r'), February is a month just stocked with some of the year's most exciting happenings: Groundhog's Day, where we celebrate Bill Murray's eternal loop in time and space; Ash Wednesday, where the religious prove to the naysayers that they do occasionally wash their faces; Presidents Day, where all Americans should reflect on how much better we had it under Nixon; Valentines Day, a day that forces the lonely to cry in their showers; Mardi Gras, where breasts are released from their bondages by alcohol and plastic beads.
February is also American Heart Month....where American Hearts are celebrated all over the world; National Hot Breakfast Month, where the consumers and sympathizers of cold breakfasts go hungry or are locked away; Library Lovers Month, for those who have been forced to keep their strange desires a secret all year; National Condom Month, basically just to help keep those poor libraries safe from STDs and pregnancy.
But more than that, February is also the host of my favorite holiday, Fish Day!

Now, I know what most of you are thinking...."I wonder if a grown person can actually be suspended on a wall with a fair amount of peanut butter, and how much peanut butter would that take?!"....while what you should be thinking is, "What can I possibly get a person that I either hardly know, haven't met or completely dislike on this special of all days?"
It's a terrible dilemma, I know. It's sure to stain, and the cleanup of all that peanut butter would be a nightmare! But back to your second, and far more important, thought. For those of you who are struggling with the gift buying quandary, or are drunk enough while reading this to feel the need to buy a gift, I have created a short list to help you along.



Some items that were not available on that list I'll include here: JOB!!!

I hope that this month finds you all well and not on fire. But now I must leave in order to cry in the shower, and hopefully wash off the rest of this peanut butter.