Empty Baby Graves and Looted Archery Stores A'Plenty...

It is upon us again people, the day where hell opens the flood gates and let's loose it's army of undead babies for target practice.....or as hallmark would like you to call it, Valentine's Day.
I have written of this day before.....Love is a Three Way....the Truth about Valentine.....and I still stick by that blog, regardless of the fact that I lost friends from it.....Hell, my number of friends always seems to drop a few numbers with every blog I post.
I can't believe it's already been a year since then....a full year without romantic, sticky involvements....minus one, that I've been trying to wash away with beer and peroxide ever since.

In any case, may this day find you all well and full of store-bought chocolates. May you all survive the poison arrows of the undead as well as may the taste of envelope licking leave your mouths.
I leave you all with this, from my book Tales from a Broken String......

the Lonliness of an Empty Crawlspace...

Continuing the spirit of yesterday's blog, I thought that I'd take this opportunity to expand a bit on the whole idea of random facts, but this time by giving you five random and wholey made up facts about each of the five persons that I tagged. I do understand that this will more than likely lead to myself being subjected to attempts in pain and sufferring, both in the comments to follow as well as in the blogs of my intended subjects.....but seeing as I lack the basic human emotions of embarrassment as well as sapience, I don't really care. Thusly, without further adieu.......


Clint Allen

#1- Clint Allen was actually born with four arms....that is, he has arms in place of his legs, which makes him look funny while running, but makes him a dangerous competitor during a game of dodge-ball.

#2- He was once engaged to a bar of soap, until we (his friends) held the now infamous Intervention....it's the last fucking time we will ever use a game of dodge-ball as an Intervention vehicle!

#3- Clint started the whole "abolish the N word" fiasco as a means to piggy-back his desire to re-instate the word "thusly", which was declared unclean by the Pope in 1947.

#4- Clint is actually living backwards, having been born a grown man and getting younger every year....much like Merlin, but without the cool magic tricks.

#5- Clint has actually killed fourteen people with his mind now, once for everytime he was served iced-tea that tasted like dishwater.



Mungmopper

#1- Born Christopher Gabriel Williams, he prefers to be called Gabe due to his affinity with the show Welcome Back Cotter.

#2- Mungmopper started his own religion as a small child called Chacky (sha-kee) that today still boasts only one member....himself.

#3- He and I share the same mother, only not by blood, just proximity.

#4- Mungmopper's popular home-brewed beer is actually made by the blood of lambs and his own fermented urine.

#5- Mungmopper will actually murder me four years from now, as the Soothsayer has foreseen, and then end his own life by accidentally jumping through the nearest window, which is his custom, 13 floors above the street.



Bloomin'

#1- Bloomin' is known as "the Greek Paris Hilton"......that's hot!

#2- He was one of the original cast members of the classic Jason and the Argonauts, but was fired after getting his ass kicked by Ray Harryhausen in a drunken argument.

#3- He is the inventor of Nater, a new form of water that fails to get anything wet....which failed when introduced to the market in 1988.

#4- Bloomin' has an impressive collection of apples that are deformed in such a way that they all resemble Mickey Rourke.

#5- Bloomin' actually only consists of 4 facts, as long as you discount this one.



Lizzay

#1- Elizabeth can eat 51 eggs in and hour......fuck you Cool Hand Luke!!

#2- She has the ability to fly, but chooses not to ever since the doctors said it was really called falling, and responsible for all her multiple fractures.

#3- Elizabeth has a huge collection of Rock T-Shirts, which actually outnumbers the ammount of bands that have shirts available.

#4- She gave up her carreer as an assassin after receiving a contract to kill Clint Allen.....and I'm still waiting for my money back!

#5- Elizabeth has the ability to completely mask her Long Island accent, until she has had too much to drink, whereas she starts to speak with a Scottish accent.



Rachael

#1- Rachael's name is actually pronounced, Ra-chi-el, much like Raphael, the Mutant Ninja Turtle, not the artist.

#2- The photos in her profile are not stretched in Photoshop, she actually lives in an elongated plain.

#3- Rachael was one of the original dancers in the Riverdance ensemble, until they left without her after a performance in Bunslip, New Jersey.

#4- It is a scientific fact that she will suffer from a misspelling before the day is through.

#5- It is not true that there exists an underground tape of Rachael involving pancakes and Clint Allen's mustard....I'm holding out for more money.


....and there we have it folks. Twenty-five more facts to float around your brains, slowly devouring more uselful information that you had previously stored.

An Insignificant History attracting Flies in the Sun

Yep, it's officially my birthday. Thanks to everyone who has wished me a happy one for the past few days, and a curse on those who haven't!! (don't worry too much, as stated in the previous Blog, the best I can do with curses is to make you fart in public)

And, in answering those who have asked what the hell Fish Day is: it's a fucking holiday!! So don't go to work. Let me explain....the first official Fish Day was in 1998, when I was living with my brother in State College Pennsylvania. I had only been there for a few months and didn't know too many people and definitely hadn't made any plans to do anything when my birthday rolled around. Second, I am sick to death of the birthday cliche' of birthdays being terrible and their subjects moping around as if they were just told that they had colon cancer. I refused to give into either.
So, the night before I created three Fish Day cards and had a few hundred of them reproduced at Kinkos, which is the place that I worked at the time.....which is a lot more like having colon cancer. I spent my birthday then, out in town handing cards to everyone I crossed paths with.

In addition to these cards, I had also created a handful of small postcards that contained suggestions on what to do on this day. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find any survivors from this group, but I do remember a few:

Yell at the Birds to Get Out of the Sky.

Staple Raw Bacon to Yourself.

Try to Hug a Complete Stranger
For Thirty Minutes.

Tell Someone that your Fingers Hate Them,
Except for One, and then Show Them that Finger.

By the end of the day, in a town that I had previously known almost no one, I now knew (or at least was known by) a few hundred. Plus, I had been bought so much birthday coffee that I nearly shit myself as well as those around me.
I continued this tradition (of handing out the cards, not of nearly shitting myself and others....that tradition falls on Presidents Day) for the next few years. I have kind of slacked off the past couple of years. I would have tried to revive it this time, except for the fact that I'm currently in central Pennsylvania....and I really don't want to know the people here, let alone not wanting them to know me.

So, Happy Fish Day to you all!! May the Great Insect Overlord show you mercy and all of that.....oh, and since you asked, here is my super happy fun time wishlist again, for those of you who wish to celebrate this fine day by buying me a present:






Excerpt from the Book, "Rachael Asks..." in bookstores never

Dere zombiespoon,
I am curently wurking on a book of answerz to randumly asked kwestions and photographs of childrens dolls in sexual poses. I wood appreciate it if you could anser the following questions 4 me!
Rachael


1. What Curse Do You Use The Most?
- Unfortunately, I'm still only a level 2 curser....so the most I can make the unsuspecting do is fart real loud in public...unless I roll a +5, and then they shit themselves!

2. Do You Own An Ipod?
-Yes....but I also just got a new iHate from Clint for my birthday!
30Gigs of storage for my hate!

3. What Person On Your Top 8 Do You Talk To The Most?
-I don't talk to anyone in my Deadpool.....it's against the rules.

4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
-Pacific........why are you looking at me like that?

5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
-I don't even like to step in love!! I wish people would clean up after themselves!

6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
-I wear winter clothes. I find that going out wearing nothing but flip flops is both dangerous for one's health, and illegal!

7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
-I would rather take the picture I'm in....especially if the person who had the picture is someone that I don't know, and has no business having a picture of me in their possession!

8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
-Wait....why is it the Last movie?! Do you know something that I don't?!!

9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
-Yes....and some of those children are even their own!

10. Has Any0ne Ever Called You Lazy?
-What's an 'Any0ne'? Seriously....what with the weird capitalization theme in this questionnaire?

11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
-Yes, but I'm much more fond of the medication that keeps me awake.....

12. What Cd Is Currently In Your Cd Player?
-I no longer own and Cd's or Cd Players......so, no.

13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
-Regular what? I can't answer this until I know what's competing with my Chocolate Milk.....and what is the situation? Is someone's life at stake? Is this for money? There's just too many unanswered questions here!!! I can't deal with this right now!!!

14. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
-Like on those commercials? Where two woman tell each other a completely made up secret and then giggle like idiots and then I'm supposed to want girly deodorant?

15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbuck?
-I've never had the chance....but I would be with Starbuck in a second if I had the chance!!!
Wait....we are talking about the new Battlestar Galactica, right? Because if we're talking about the one from the seventies, then this question both means something completely different and sickens me!

16. Can You Whistle?
-I choose not to......

17. What Is The First Thing You Notice About The Opposite Sex?
-Depends.....if they are on fire, that tends to be the first thing....the tits come after the fire.

18. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
-Is there any other way to talk about me? Seriously, if they are talking in front of me it's talked "talking to me", which is something completely different.

19. Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?
-Hell, I watch cartoons now.

20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
-Time Bandits....and all silent films, just by definition.

21.Have You Ever Done The Dirty In A Field?
-Who the hell has the nickname "the Dirty", and why would anyone want to do her or him after such a nickname is achieved?!!

22.What's your favorite flower?
-There are more varieties of flour? I tend to just like the cakes they help make.....

23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
-I've never injured my torso bad enough to need a Band T-Shirt...I suspect that if I did, I'd rather just be taken to a hospital.
(Think about it.....it'll make sense eventually)

24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
-I don't own any films of Salads getting dressed. This is the weirdest fetish I've heard of so far!

where is 25?

26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
-Ah....the famous "DYDYOD" question.....I'm not falling for this one so easily!

27. Ever Cry In Public?
-Every chance I get!

28. Are You On A Desktop Computer Or A Lap Top?
-I'm on a chair...In Front of my laptop.

29. Are You Currently Wanting Any Piercings Or Tattoos?
-No, I'm currently wanting some more coffee and Starbuck....the female Starbuck.

30. Whats The Weather Like?
-Like an orange, with a really thick rind and too many seeds.....stupid weather orange!

31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
-Depends on the tattoos in question....a woman with her body covered with tattoos of penises getting bitten, probably not.

32. What Did You Do Before This?
-Answered a question about dating someone with bitten penis tattoos....where were you?

33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
-Last night.....I couldn't get my bed to stay on the wall....and the ceiling is out of the question!

34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
-A third of my life, apparently.

35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily?
-Does it matter? Seriously....ask yourself that.

36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
-Full of what?! I need more details here!! Full of glue? No. And I doubt they'd be fast-paced that way.......

37. Do You Pay Attention To The Calories In The Package/Box?
-They package calories now? Why would I need to pay attention to that?

38. Do You Use Sarcasm?
-You tell me.....

39. How Old Will Y0u Be Turning On Your Next Birthday?
-Funny you should ask.....wait, no....it wasn't that funny.

40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
-ask Rachael.

41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
-Have you ever seen a grown man cry and shit himself? I'm just asking....it has nothing to do with Six Flags.....

42. What irritates you most?
-Poison Ivy.

43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
-You mean like a hermaphrodite? I suppose I do as well as everyone else.....

44. Do You Like Mustard?
-What's that got to do with my social relationships with hermaphrodites?

45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach Or Back?
-I tend to stay together even when asleep......

46. Do You Watch The News?
-Not if I've been unlucky enough to fall apart while sleeping....but I'll most likely be on the news when that happens....

47. How did you get some of your scars?
-By accidents.

49. Do You Like Anybody?
-Sure I like people! What are you trying to say?!

50.What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?
-Gasoline.......for my car.....not for what you'll hear on the news!

One man's Waste is another Man's Soap

Once again we find ourselves entering the month of purification, which, incidentally, is also the shortest month of the year. Yes, I speak of our favorite lunation, February. Not only the last month added to the calendar by the winter hating Romans, but also the time of the year that the Anglo-Saxons named after cabbage (no, I didn't make that up!).
But despite the harsh treatments by Romans, Saxons and the month of January (which forced it's round "u" vowel on February, forcing everyone to mispronounce it by eclipsing the first 'r'), February is a month just stocked with some of the year's most exciting happenings: Groundhog's Day, where we celebrate Bill Murray's eternal loop in time and space; Ash Wednesday, where the religious prove to the naysayers that they do occasionally wash their faces; Presidents Day, where all Americans should reflect on how much better we had it under Nixon; Valentines Day, a day that forces the lonely to cry in their showers; Mardi Gras, where breasts are released from their bondages by alcohol and plastic beads.
February is also American Heart Month....where American Hearts are celebrated all over the world; National Hot Breakfast Month, where the consumers and sympathizers of cold breakfasts go hungry or are locked away; Library Lovers Month, for those who have been forced to keep their strange desires a secret all year; National Condom Month, basically just to help keep those poor libraries safe from STDs and pregnancy.
But more than that, February is also the host of my favorite holiday, Fish Day!

Now, I know what most of you are thinking...."I wonder if a grown person can actually be suspended on a wall with a fair amount of peanut butter, and how much peanut butter would that take?!"....while what you should be thinking is, "What can I possibly get a person that I either hardly know, haven't met or completely dislike on this special of all days?"
It's a terrible dilemma, I know. It's sure to stain, and the cleanup of all that peanut butter would be a nightmare! But back to your second, and far more important, thought. For those of you who are struggling with the gift buying quandary, or are drunk enough while reading this to feel the need to buy a gift, I have created a short list to help you along.



Some items that were not available on that list I'll include here: JOB!!!

I hope that this month finds you all well and not on fire. But now I must leave in order to cry in the shower, and hopefully wash off the rest of this peanut butter.