Love is a Three Way....the Truth about Valentine

Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome, February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage, nagging and questions such as, "Does this crusifiction make my but look fat?". The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia. And February 16th was the day of Vomitus, a very busy day for all vomitorium emplyees.

The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate, for grown men were the only ones allowed to rape young boys, while yougn girls were left to be knocked up by Gods in order to give birth to heros and horrible beasts for the heros to fight, thus giving the Romans subjects to sing about while vomitting in large groups in the vomitoriums. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of Lupercalia the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and would then be partners for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and often, they would fall in love and would later marry.

Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns, very similar to the United sates under the rule of emperor Jeb. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius, the patron saint of nothing in particular, aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, as long as they were of opposite sexes, and for this kind and homophobic deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off, in that order. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270. At that time it was the custom in Rome, a very ancient custom, indeed, to celebrate in the month of February the Lupercalia, feasts in honour of a heathen god. On these occasions, amidst a variety of pagan ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed.
The pastors of the early Christian Church in Rome endeavoured to do away with the pagan element in these feasts in susstitution for their own made up mythology, by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. And as the Lupercalia began about the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine's Day for the celebration of this new feaSt. So it seems that the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines, or saints as patrons for the coming year, arose in this way.

Years later, saint Hallmark, a priest who had a fondness for giving out cards and playing with teddy bears while being smeared with chocolates, tried to convince others that he had been martyred as well...but of course no one believed him and usually beat him up for coming into their homes. Though, some did take pity on Hallmark and bought his cards and Bears and Chocolates. Eventually, everyone had so many of these items that they satrted to give them away, usually to the people that they liked the least. The most unliked in the communities became smothered in the piles of crap they received and died.

Christians also believed that when a person died, they became ghostly in appearance and grew wings. Other cultures believed that one was resurrected in another form to live life again, but they are all doomed to a Christian version on hell, so we're not interested in them right now. Those that were unliked and thus smothered in Hallmarks on the aniversary of Valentines death were said to return in this ghostly form weilding bows in order to get their revenge on those that caused their deaths. They were believed to shoot others with an arrow that made others not like them enough to smother them with Hallmark's gifts, thus the idea of the cupid, which means 'diaper wearing ghost', was born.

So, at this time, let me say, "Happy Valentines Day" to all of you. May you smother those you despise with gifts in hopes that they cry themselves to death. And while you fuck the ones that you love silly, may you keep in mind that you do so for a man that was beaten to death and then beheaded, while his co-conspirator wenrt unpunished and probably spent the day eating a lot of pudding that he would vomit the following day.

Also, remember that you are only allowed by Christians to scrump your partner silly in the "missionary" position and never in the pooper, because homosexuals are bad.