Hot Polished-Rock on Polished Rock Action, the Movie!

In 1565, Holland's Peter Breugel painted "Hunters in the Snow" and another work depicting scenes resembling modern curling. Breugel's paintings support the premise held by some that curling originated in continental Europe. The Scots, however, are the undisputed developers and formalizers of the modern game. By 1638 curling was considered, with golf and archery (in M. H. Adamson's poem The Muses Threnodie), to be a usual recreational pastime and just as mind-numbingly as boring as golf and archery. After a huge growth spurt in the 19th century, curling was played by thousands in nearly every Scottish parish.

The origin of the so called sport is actually believed to have started by a dispute between two brothers living on opposite sides of a lake from one another. Though the argument today is widely debated, some believe that it was a disagreement about toast that grew out of hand, and ended finally one winter when both brothers tried to kill one another by throwing rocks. Having both lost their footing on the ice, the battle continued with the brothers, prone on the ice, attemptiing to brain one another using any rock withing reach and sliding them albeit slowly across the lake. Word reached the town, and by the time the folk made it to the lake the fighting was over. They were witness to the brother's wives on the ice, using brooms to gather pieces of cranium and brain matter....thus the sport of curling was born!

Between the 16th and 20th centuries, Scotland's climate warmed, and today the lochs rarely freeze. The climate change hindered curlers, who tried to kill one another outdoors on natural ice until the 20th century. Nonetheless the Scots had, by the mid-1800s, formalized curling's rules of play and equipment and had established the "mother club" of curlers worldwide, the Royal Caledonian Curling and Competative Crotcheting Club. The RCCCCC is today the national governing body of curling in Scotland, with 20,000 active members now playing indoors on refrigerated ice, or crotcheting cute little hats for one another near a fireplace at home.

The game of curling spread throughout the world through the efforts of thousands of Scottish soldiers and migrs settling their toast disputes at any body of frozen water that they could find. In North America, curling's origins likely date to the late 1700s. The first documented record is the founding of the Montreal Curling Club in 1807, who were the first to use curling to settle and argument originating somehow from Canadian Bacon.

In 1832, the Orchard Lake Curling Club, near Orchard Lake (makes sense, doesn't it?), became the first curling club in the United States, organized at the home of Dr. Robert Burns. The Orchard Lake group curled on Lake St. Clair, fifty miles away....why they did that is still a mystery that historians all agree is not worth investigating. The oldest continuously operating curling club in the United States is the Milwaukee, Wisconsin club, founded in 1845. The Scottish founders' roster included such names as Murray, Ferguson, Dunlop, Gunyon, Findlay, Kinney, McFarland and McFadyen.

The ice sport of curling, although never well known in the United States, has developed steadily throughout American history. The sport is often passed down through families and has provided enjoyable winter recreation and brain trauma to thousands of Americans.

In 2006, curling finally became a household name by becoming the apparently only God Damn event in the 2006 Winter Olympics!!!!

Take it from Clint, you can't fuck a wall outlet!

Actually, I don't have anything to write about. That title has just been giving me laughing fits since it was first said after both Clint and I failed to win the Powerball Jackpot.

That is all....stay tuned for next week when I write about "Drummers, and the people who are going to poison their water!"

Burying Things in the Desert....

For those of you living in the states I know you've had to see these advertisements, the New campaign for Las Vegas...What Happens Here, Stays Here brilliance. Even those of you who don't watch much tv must have caught at least one of these at some point....they seem to have saturated the fucking airwaves recently.

For any who don't know of the advertising of which I now speak, a quick discriptive:

*a woman questioned by her boyfriend after returning from a trip to Las Vegas quickly sums it up in nothing but shopping and sighs the "That Was Close" sigh when he leaves the room...leading the audience to believe that she must have taken it up the ass by some swarmy guy for more poker chips or something.

*a guy giving out fake carreers as his own to a variety of people while in Vegas, obviously thinking that his job as a Burger Technichian at Jack in the Box will more than likely keep him from getting laid..

*a woman giving the same variety of people different fake names, obviously due to the fact that she doesn't like to hear her real name called out while blowing a stranger in a back alley...

...and it goes on from there. I mean, it's no wonder why Las Vegas is finally trying to shed it's "family freindly" look that they spent so much fucking money on over the past decade....the hookers are still there! Prooving that a Mikey Mouse look and feel is NOT a deterance for whores (someone, somewhere HAS to have a story about banging Snow White in a back office at Disney World at some point in time).
But now what I'm waiting for is the day when Las Vegas finally learns that Americans are for the most part lost on subtlety and suggestion....there is a man somewhere who just watched one of the commercials going, "I don't get it....why is she so worried about shopping in Las Vegas? Did she really spend that much?" while his children sit there rolling their eyes. If there is one thing that Americans have prooved about ourselves time and time again, is that we are a nation of complete and total idiots that really need things spelled out for us, regardless of whether it's spelled out truthfully or not....we'll still eat that shit up! The day will have to come when these commercials get a tad more blatant....

*a man is picked up at the airport by his wife and after kissing her she mentions, "Honey, your breath smells like semen."...the camera locks onto his worried stare....

*Two men return from Vegas late one night, their suits are dirt soiled and they are pulling shovels from their trunk..."What Happens Here, Sometimes REALLY stays here!"

But why stop there? I mean, if they really want to sell Vegas as a place for vice again, why not just pull out the guns and go for it? Picture advertisements showing a business man on the phone with his wife telling her that the conference went fine while getting a handjob froma hooker in his hotel room....a man getting the ever loving shit kicked out of him in the back room of a casino....a woman curled into the fetal position behind a dumpster sobbing about losing everything...."Las Vegas, We're Seedy Again!"

And maybe other states can follow suit in this new campaign. Montana can adopt the Brokeback Mountain idea with and advertisement showing two cowboys embraced, "Montana...Where Real Cowpokes Cum!" Ha! See? Maybe Mississippi can have one showing a clan rally, "Mississippi, We Still Hate Niggers!" Why not?! Not like it's any big secret! Or how about the favorite vacation advertisements we all love? You know, for states that you would never think of vacationing at ever. A series of beautiful landscapes and activities follwed with, "Come to Virginia. There really isn't Anything to do...but at least We're Not Kansas!"

....and, to think, my mother thought advertising would have been a good career choice for me.

Love is a Three Way....the Truth about Valentine

Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome, February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage, nagging and questions such as, "Does this crusifiction make my but look fat?". The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia. And February 16th was the day of Vomitus, a very busy day for all vomitorium emplyees.

The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate, for grown men were the only ones allowed to rape young boys, while yougn girls were left to be knocked up by Gods in order to give birth to heros and horrible beasts for the heros to fight, thus giving the Romans subjects to sing about while vomitting in large groups in the vomitoriums. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of Lupercalia the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and would then be partners for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and often, they would fall in love and would later marry.

Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns, very similar to the United sates under the rule of emperor Jeb. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius, the patron saint of nothing in particular, aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, as long as they were of opposite sexes, and for this kind and homophobic deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off, in that order. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270. At that time it was the custom in Rome, a very ancient custom, indeed, to celebrate in the month of February the Lupercalia, feasts in honour of a heathen god. On these occasions, amidst a variety of pagan ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed.
The pastors of the early Christian Church in Rome endeavoured to do away with the pagan element in these feasts in susstitution for their own made up mythology, by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. And as the Lupercalia began about the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine's Day for the celebration of this new feaSt. So it seems that the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines, or saints as patrons for the coming year, arose in this way.

Years later, saint Hallmark, a priest who had a fondness for giving out cards and playing with teddy bears while being smeared with chocolates, tried to convince others that he had been martyred as well...but of course no one believed him and usually beat him up for coming into their homes. Though, some did take pity on Hallmark and bought his cards and Bears and Chocolates. Eventually, everyone had so many of these items that they satrted to give them away, usually to the people that they liked the least. The most unliked in the communities became smothered in the piles of crap they received and died.

Christians also believed that when a person died, they became ghostly in appearance and grew wings. Other cultures believed that one was resurrected in another form to live life again, but they are all doomed to a Christian version on hell, so we're not interested in them right now. Those that were unliked and thus smothered in Hallmarks on the aniversary of Valentines death were said to return in this ghostly form weilding bows in order to get their revenge on those that caused their deaths. They were believed to shoot others with an arrow that made others not like them enough to smother them with Hallmark's gifts, thus the idea of the cupid, which means 'diaper wearing ghost', was born.

So, at this time, let me say, "Happy Valentines Day" to all of you. May you smother those you despise with gifts in hopes that they cry themselves to death. And while you fuck the ones that you love silly, may you keep in mind that you do so for a man that was beaten to death and then beheaded, while his co-conspirator wenrt unpunished and probably spent the day eating a lot of pudding that he would vomit the following day.

Also, remember that you are only allowed by Christians to scrump your partner silly in the "missionary" position and never in the pooper, because homosexuals are bad.

...and so begins the descent....I'll take you all with me!

I woke up this morning an older man....one day older than yesterday, and one year older than one year ago today. Thirty Five years to be more precise. In celebration I have made these plans: First, to drink my birthday cups of coffee, during which I'll take a birthday handful of xanax. Before the shitting and vomitting starts I'll take the time to share with you some of my birthday's fun facts!

First, my horoscope today:

You'll be in a world of your own today while people around you will be clamoring for your attention. Their demands might irritate you, because you will clearly need a bit of space from company in order to recharge your batteries, so book yourself into a spa to secure a couple of hours for yourself.

My Birthday horoscope:

For those of us born on: February 5
Happy Birthday! The months ahead will see you being emotionally detached from the people around you and you'll discover a level of self discipline that will help you cope with the demands of work or school. Your emotions will balance out again, especially when a romantic interest catches your eye. July will be a challenging month, when you will feel more restless than usual, but by contrast November will be a dream, where youll feel on top of the world!

Which I have to say, is drastically different from last years:

For those of us born on: February 5
Fuck You! The months ahead will hopefully kill you. June will be a challenging month, forcing you to never trust anyone ever again....and giving you a new hatred for Buddy Holly, of all things. Do you hear that? That is the winds of change blowing, you bastard....and they smell like a miso soup fart, don't they? Choke on it, you bald fuck!

Other people born this day:

Sir Robert Peel was born on 5th of February in 1788
Adlai E. Stevenson, Jr. was born on 5th of February in 1900
Adlai Stevenson was born on 5th of February in 1900
John Carradine was born on 5th of February in 1906
William Burroughs was born on 5th of February in 1914
Red Buttons was born on 5th of February in 1919
Andrew Greeley was born on 5th of February in 1928
Father Andrew Greeley was born on 5th of February in 1928
Hank Aaron was born on 5th of February in 1934
Henry Hank Aaron was born on 5th of February in 1934
H.R. Giger was born on 5th of February in 1940
David Selby was born on 5th of February in 1941
Jane Bryant Quinn was born on 5th of February in 1941
Roger Staubach was born on 5th of February in 1942
Stephen J. Cannell was born on 5th of February in 1942
Barbara Hershey was born on 5th of February in 1948
Christopher Guest was born on 5th of February in 1948
Jennifer Jason Leigh was born on 5th of February in 1962
Laura Linney was born on 5th of February in 1964
Bobby Brown was born on 5th of February in 1969
Jeremy Sumpter was born on 5th of February in 1989

I'm kinda pleased about the Giger and Burroughs birthdays....and I'd like to share a birthday party with Jennifer J. Leigh, because that would be fun I suspect.

Here's some "This Day in History" Crap for ya:

1936 Modern Times with Charlie Chaplin debuts
A riot squad is called out for crowd control on this day in 1936 at the premiere of Charlie Chaplin's film Modern Times, co-starring Paulette Goddard, whom he secretly married the same year. Enormous crowds gathered on Broadway outside the Rivoli Theater to see Douglas Fairbanks, Gloria Swanson, George Burns, Ginger Rogers, and other stars arrive for the film's debut.


1883 Southern Pacific Railroad completes "Sunset Route"
The Southern Pacific Railroad completes its transcontinental "Sunset Route" from New Orleans to California, consolidating its dominance over rail traffic to the Pacific.


1937 Chaplin vs. the Machine Age
In 1936, Charlie Chaplin had just wrapped up City Lights and was preparing to visit the nation's auto mecca, Detroit. A reporter for the New York World learned of Chaplin's trip and urged the star to swing by the city's "factory belt system." As Chaplin recounts in his autobiography, the reporter told a "harrowing story of big industry luring healthy men off the farms who, after four or five years at the belt system, became nervous wrecks." Duly intrigued, Chaplin toured Ford's Highland Park plant, and after seeing the factory belt in action, set to work on his next movie, Modern Times. Production on the movie had its share of bumps. Modern Times was set to be Chaplin's first foray into the world of talkies, but despite shooting audio tests and scenes with dialog, Chaplin opted again for his traditional silent route, save for a song. The movie was also subject to a swirl of politically charged rumors, as studio leaks suggested that film would be little more than Red propaganda. However, when Modern Times premiered on February 5, 1937, the industry heaved a sigh of relief: the movie was hardly a Communist tract. Rather, the tale of the tramp, played as always by Chaplin, and his paramour, played by Paulette Goddard, mixed slapstick comedy and social satire, as the duo struggled to overcome the vagaries of the machine age--strikes, riots, unemployment and the nerve wracking factory work--and get along in modern times.


1918 U.S. steamship Tuscania is torpedoed and sinks
On February 5, 1918, the Anchor line steamship Tuscania, traveling as part of a British convoy and transporting over 2,000 American soldiers bound for Europe, is torpedoed and sinks off the coast of Ireland by the German submarine U-77.


1941 Hitler to Mussolini: Fight harder!
On this day in 1941, Adolf Hitler scolds his Axis partner, Benito Mussolini, for his troops' retreat in the face of British advances in Libya, demanding that the Duce command his forces to resist.


1994 Medger Evers' killer is convicted
Byron de la Beckwith is convicted of the assassination of civil rights leader Medger Evers 31 years earlier, ending the lengthiest murder case in American history. Evers was gunned down in the driveway of his Jackson, Mississippi, home while his wife, Myrlie, and the couple's small children were inside waiting for their father.


1952 Don't Walk
The first "Don't Walk" sign was installed in New York City on this day. The city erected the signs in response to the growing awareness of pedestrian fatalities in the increasingly crowded Manhattan streets. Pedestrian fatalities are essentially an urban problem, so city dwellers, next time you see a Don't Walk sign, please don't run. In 1997, 5,307 pedestrians died as a result of automobile accidents. Fatal collisions between pedestrians and motor vehicles occur most often between six p.m. and nine p.m., a period that roughly coincides with rush hour. In 1998, in hopes of minimizing gridlock, New York City began strictly enforcing its jaywalking laws during rush hour. Pedestrians are subject to a $50 fine if they walk, or run, when faced with a Don't Walk sign.

1986 Survival is a harsh reality at times
Craig T. Budshuster of Dillinsmack Iowa, whose radio controlled model airplane crashed in the Alister Cornfist Memorial Park, eats his two children who were accompaning him. When questioned later by authorities and rescue workers, a teary eyed Craig Budshuster explains that he didn't think that he would make it back to his home, four blocks away, before supper time.


....and that about sums up my birthday today.
In all honesty, I never really cared much about today, partly because I never understood the importance people put on birthdays. For many years I felt that my birthday seem to always bring with it some sort of disaster, that is, crap always seemed to happen to me on this day, year after year. It was only a few years ago that I realized what was behind this....it was the idea that your birthday is a day that belongs to you, that everything should be perfect and you should be able to do what you wanted with it all working out. Yeah, great. You put that amount of importance and expectation on ANY day of the year and it'll just amplify the things that don't work out and such.

Now, I just celebrate my birthday with NO attached expectations. Today is a day that I will do absolutely nothing and enjoy every fucking second of it! I will kick back and relax, not letting any of the worries in...and rejoice in the fact that I have made it 35 years....six years longer than anyone in my family gave me while growing up! HA!!!!

Happy Birthday to me and Jennifer Jason Leigh! Now give me a dollar!

...and Rodan lives on Northport...it's true!

I feel as if I could actually split myself open and share my stomach contents as stew with the less fortunate....that being, those that are unfortunate enough to stand in a soup line that ends with a bowl of my half digested meals of the past several days. There's probably some sort of law against that to begin with, so I won't even bother. Instead, I'm just hoping to get gas to release some of the pressure.

Last Wednesday I officially walked out of my job with the clear and determined intention NOT to return to it. The end of my work day consisted of wiping my computer clean of any personality, bookmarks, folders or other tale tell signs that I once worked upon it. My personal coffee cup was cleaned and packed....the pictures that were mine were rolled and stored for transport....and a list of work needing to be completed was left at the foot of the keyboard. I locked up the office, arrived home and immediately started packing my bags. At 2am Thursday morning Clint and myself were on the road on our way to New York.

This had been a decision that had been killing me for months....lingering in the back of my mind since the previous June. This was a decision that at moments made me litterally physically ill and so insanely stressed out that I couldn't tell which way was up. This was a decision that has long been overdue.

Now, a week later, we are on the return to Louisville with the direction I think we both needed to get things in motion. And I return with about a months worth of food in my stomach. You see, the running joke about me with all of my close friends (ok, ONE of the many running jokes) is that I am an anaconda....that is, on an average, I probably eat one full meal every two days and do just fine that way....anything more makes me lethargic and gassy and basically unpleasant to be around. On this venture my average has most likely increased to a "normal" three meals a day. I feel bloated and drunk and have a strong desire to dawn a wig and promote art, but that's a whole seperate story as well as an inside joke that most of you aren't going to get so I digress.

I actually have no idea where it is I was going with this blog....not really that I ever have had any clue what I'm trying to say when I start writing....I suppose that I just felt that I should write something after receiving several messages asking wether i was ok or dead. Wether I killed myself or Clint, and one message from my former employer asking wether I planned on returning to work or not.

In response: I'm fine....better than I've been in two years actually. I am unemployed, I will be 35 in 3 days, I will be living in New York in a matter of weeks.....and I've never felt so ok with my situation since I can remember.

Except for the amount of food I've consumed.....so, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and fart on Clint.

Goodnight.