Answers to Frequently Asked Questions....in my mind

Yes folks, it's question and answer time again for the very first time, quit looking at me that way. It's in this portion of my Blog that I'll take the time to catch up on my absence from posting by answering some of the more frequent questions that I imagine people would ask me if I were to ever go out into public. But first, here's a little good morning message for everyone:

Milque Toast enjoys Vietnamese Coffee

1: So, are you ever planning on finishing your website?
Aaaaaargh!!! That WOULD be the first question you'd ask, wouldn't it?! Look, I really have done a lot of work on it, and got fairly close to getting it to go live. But then I quit my job in January and have been focusing all my energy on this move to New York....and in all honesty, haven't touched the website since. Plus, I really don't know when things will settle down enough so that I can continue and finish work on it....so in short.......yes.

2. Are you any closer to publishing those books you said you were going to publish this year?
*sigh* The above answer applies here as well. At this very moment in time, all of my work and most of my art and writing supplies are in a storage space just begging to be picked up and moved finally. I can't say when that day will be, but I'm hoping that it'll be soon so that I can start to get back into the groove of things. Seriously....I'm reduced to writing ideas and sketches on napkins and the like. So, in short.....no.

3. How's New York so far?
Technically not there yet. True, I have already moved away from Louisville, thankfully. But as I'm writing this I'm doing so on my laptop in my parent's kitchen, whom I'm visiting in Pennsylvania. I'm hoping to be in my new apartment in Brooklyn within a week or so.....before I go crazy and chew off my own foot just for the sake of doing so.

4. But your profile already says "Brooklyn, New York". How can that be if you are in Pennsylvania?
Well, because I'm just visiting my family in Pennsylvania while the apartment becomes available in Brooklyn. Seeing as the end goal is to be there and not here I went ahead and changed my profile to "Brooklyn, New York" after leaving Louisville.

5. So, what you're saying is, is that you're a liar?
Look, I don't go and change my profile to say "The Bathroom" every time I need to take a shit, so no, I don't believe that I'm lying or being misleading....plus, I think I've had about enough of this topic!

6. You do realize that you're arguing with yourself right now, don't you?
I hate you.

7. Shall we move on to different questions?
As long as they aren't about questioning my sanity.

8. Do you think it's normal for one to have conversations with themselves as if they were two different people?
WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!! Thant's it!! I'm done with question and answer time right now!!! Get out of my house!


Note: This portion of "Frequently Asked Questions that have Never Been Asked" will have to continue at another time, when the author has had less or more coffee.....well, when whatever he needs is in balance enough so that he stops writing a lead-out as if he wasn't there and the one writing it........I have to go lay down now.

Don't mess with the One-Handed Sanwich, or Something.

This is going to be just a quick little post, just to plug my eBay auctions in case any of you are interested....I'm smack dab in the middle....wait......what the fuck does "smack dab" mean anyways? Seriously....there has to be a reason.......First person to Google that for me gets made fun for a day or two.

Anyways....I am Smack Dab in the middle of leaving the town of Louisville for bigger and better things......which is why this is just going to be a quick little post.....in which I'm already failing miserably..........let's start over:

HEY FOLKS!!!
Guess who's selling things online?
I know you already know the answer for the simple fact that if you're reading this line right now you've already read through the first part and you're whole pretending to be surprized and ask, "I don't know? Who? Please tell me?" is starting to offend me!

Wait....damnit! Start over again:

HEY FOLKS!!!
No no no!! Starting over again.......

I sell things! You want things? I sell them! You buy what I sell!!! Do it now!

My eBay items YOU BUY!!

and I sell more things!!!

My Books For You BUY!!!

Ok....I'm tired and I've got hundreds of miles to drive tonight.
Goodbye Louisville.

Titled this way for the Less Fortunate

So, I ask you...how insane does Tom Cruise have to act before it actually starts to hurt his box office appeal? I mean, I admit that I've never considered myself bias in either way, for or against him in movies....usually he's been in good roles so I've had no problem seeing his films....but now, I'm sorry, I just can't go see Mission Impossible 3 without half expecting him to call someone Glib at any moment or bust into some straight faced ridculous debate about something only to follow it with that forced maniacal laughter he seems to have adopted.

Ok, so it's three in the morning and these are the types of questions that plague me when I have no access to coffee. I am currently on Long Island with fellow traveller Clint in the search for a new apartment in Brooklyn or the surrounding areas. I accidentally fell asleep after today's long walk-about and search...now the house is quiet, my iPod is battery deficient, and I have a hankering for listening to Joe Jackson for some odd reason.

And that's really all I have to say.....tomorrow continues the apartment quest, most likely with the help of a realitor of some variety, unfortunately.....and I'm still craving hearing Stepping Out, which just shows my age I suppose.

Say hello to my Dog Skin Coat

It has come to my attention, and to the attention of my friend and neighbor Clint, who, for those of you not in the know as of yet, lives in the apartment above mine, that a nearby house to ours has become the home to either a cult of chronic dog stabbers, or a cult of dog stabbers supply and lessons store. What I'm getting at here is the fact that screaming dogs are audible at intermitted moments throughout the night and morning.
Now, not only was I unaware that a cult of chronic dog stabbers or a cult of chronic dog stabbers supply and lessons store was legal, but I had no idea that it took so fucking long to kill a dog by repeated stabbings! Then again, I'm not a member of this cult, nor do I subscribe to it's newsletter....so truth be told, there may be some aspects of the dog stabber's techniques that I'm not familiar with that are implemented to prolong the dog stabbing experience.....such as using short bladed instruments in strategic, non-immediate-lethal areas of the canine's anatomy.

Actually....I'm now curious about what a Cult of Chronic Dog Stabbers Newsletter would be like. I can imagine someone getting caught owning many and trying to explain it away by saying, "I just get it for the articles!"

Ok....it's clear that I need my morning coffee now, before I write anymore and hurt the feelings of any sensitive indy kids out there.

The Three D's of a Four D'ed Noose.

Recently I've learned that this new male fashion that's been annoying the living crap out of me is actually called Brooklyn Street. I'm sure you've seen this by now in your neck of the country, it seems to be everywhere: Twenty-something year old males walking around wearing thrift store bought sports jackets over their t-shirts and dawning those trucker style puffy fronted red-neck ball caps over a mop of unwashed hair. Did I miss something? Did some Indy Brit Pop Star or the like recently appear on TRL wearing this? And, I have to say in all honesty, I do believe that this new fashion fad has been mislabeled. The first person I ever saw dressed like this would be Chevy Chase in the late 80's early 90's, but I doubt many young adults trying to be cool would feel that way if what they were wearing was known as Fletch Chic. But still, I thought Brooklyn Street was already taken when men in the early 80's started wearing half length mesh shirts over their white undershirts (also known as wife beaters by us Kentucky folk) and sporting day-glo headbands. I could have sworn that was called Brooklyn Street....or at least that is what my dad called it when he started dressing that way. I don't remember. But imagine what it would be like tomorrow if John Mayer or Graham Coxon had been spotted dressed like that. There'd be indy kids everywhere looking like gay personal trainers, and those not in the know (like myself) would be forced to believe that Loverboy had made some unbelievable comeback....just like I was under the impression that the Chevy Chase show had either just come back on the air or at least been released to dvd....a sad, sad one disc dvd box set.

Speaking of Brooklyn, in the year 1977, Brooklyn, the Bronx and Queens were terrorized by the Son of Sam or "the .44 Caliber Killer", later to be known as David Berkowitz, because, although unimaginative, that's his name. Later he would go on record as saying he was obeying the demands of Sam....this all somehow was spawned by many sleepless nights due to the constant barking of his neighbor's dog. You might find this hard to believe, that is that a constant external noise source can drive someone insane enough to kill. I thought so as well. That was until the Satan Spawn Starling took residence in the tree behind my apartment and not three feet from my bedroom window. Trust me, being awakened constantly by a high pitched bird doing an impression of an old man with Alzheimer's lost and wandering in traffic can really start to effect you.

Completely off the subject, am I the only one who thinks that the new Burger King "wake up with the King" campaign is gay? And by gay I mean targeting homosexuals. Commercials full of construction workers, lumberjacks, the Village People....all waking up in bed with a smiling King. Seriously, I mean, the only thing missing is the King actually being dressed in Brooklyn Street.

Anyway, the screeching semi-redundant call of this retarded fowl living behind me has actually started to take the shape of demands....so far though, not demands to kill for it, more like demands to open the window and scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID FUCKING BIRD!!!!!!" ...but I believe that its only a matter of time before I'm led to believe that the only path to true peace is to paint my walls with blood. Just saying.

Really, I have no idea where I'm going with all of this, or exactly how to end it besides saying that this is what happens when Im home all day sick with food poisoning. I think its safe to say that I'm never ordering an Alemeda Burger ever again.

Now where's that bucket?