JG Wettworth can get you cash now for all your cash now needs!

So, is everyone as excited as I am about the screen debut of our country's newest favorite white trash redneck? Oh yes, I speak of Larry the Cable Guy in "Larry the Cable Guy, Health Inspector", a movie so specialized in it's target market that it needed to keep "the Cable Guy" in the title as to not confuse it's pick-up driving imbred cash crop. Could you imagine the mass panic and confusion that could have happened had the film simply been titled "Larry, the Health Inspector"? Good ole boys everywhere would boil with anger at the pretender to the throne! "Good God that bastard is even trying to look just like our beloved Cable Guy!! That's it!! I'm gonna beat my girlfreind!"
Ok ok.....so I might have gone a bit too far with that.....beloved is obviously much too big of a word for Larry's fan base. I mean, really....this is a comic made popular by riding the ass fame of Jeff Foxworthy and spouting off the unbelievably unfunny phrase, "Git R Dun" after every fart joke. At least "you might be a redneck", as redundant as it became was still far more varied than "Git R Dun".
But really, why should I be so surprised at this pig fucker's success? I mean, I live in a nation that still give's it's mentally retarded president far too high of an approval rating all things considered. Maybe we truly are a nation of one liners, fart jokes and short attenti...Ooooooooo something shiney!

The Piles have Noses

Alright! So I admit that I'm a complete horror geek and actually went by myself to see 'the Hills have Eyes' on it's first day in the theaters. Weeeeeeeee!!! As far as my forced pretentious movie critique goes:

If there is any lesson to have ever been learned from watching horror films, it's that you NEVER take the shortcut suggested by the toothless creepy man who giggles to himself while suggesting it. But then, horror films would be much shorter and fairly boring like Thelma and Louise (yes, little did most people know, T&L was actually a horror film....they just took one right where they should have gone left). The summary of this story can be stopped here, because I'm sure you know by now where it's going.....they take the shortcut....and ooooooohhhh Shit!
This movie is everything the previews lead you to expect....complete with multiple and unnecessarry "BOO!" scares, buckets of blood, creepy killer rednecks, great birth defect make-up, unfortunately comical hero posturing to musical crescendos, ect. Is any of it believable? Not for a second. Is it entertaining? Hell yes it is!! Great fun!
That's the whole point of a movie like this one....to be completely fantastic and scary. Leave realistic to a drama with Harrison Ford (who really can't run by the way....I mean seriously, have you seen him run? It's embarrassing, and it's not just his age....he ran funny in Star Wars as well).
I would recommend this film to anyone who was a fan of Thelma and Louise, off of which this movie was loosely based.

"Things were bad, But now they're good...FOREVER!!", Dr. Zoidberg

It has been written, in some book that I can't remember the name of right this moment, that God created the world in six days....which, as someone who has browsed every channel on cable tv, I would have to assume was a lot of work. On the seventh day, God had a cigarette, which is why so called health experts and others of the non-smoking variety claim that it takes seven days before those that are quitting the addiction start to feel any real relief. This, of course, is complete anti-tobacco leftist pinko bullshit!
Here's some science for ya: some self-proclaimed "really smart" guys have established that there are 5 stages to death....that is, that one typically goes through five different emotional stages after losing someone close to them. These stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These are NOT separate stages for five total days! For some, these stages can take weeks, months, even years.
Now, those who are quitting smoking go through a similar series of stages, known as the 4,367 stages of quitting smoking....which contain the previous mentioned five, plus Screaming, Uncontrollable Blinking, Flatulence, Wrath, Unconsciousness, Stabbing, Fear of Toast, Oprah Watching and Acute Sensitivity to Bad Fashion.....just to name a few. And to think that someone can accomplish all of these stages in under a weeks time is not only laughable but should be punishable by death!

I have learned yesterday from my friend Clint, that I am now on my twelfth day without a smoke. I actually had no idea because it's hard to keep track of the days when you spend them screaming at the hallucinations to quit poking you with their tridents. Is it getting any easier you ask? Fuck you! Haven't you read anything I had written above?! Ok, sorry....that was as uncalled for as your stupid fucking question. I apologize.
In all honesty, no, it's not actually any easier right now in the sense that I don't feel any better and the cravings really haven't started to lessen any. What HAS changed is my risk of actually giving in and running down to the corner convenient store to buy a new pack....mostly due to the fact that I chewed off my own feet somewhere around the third day or so....I do believe it's the loss of blood that is causing the trident impaling hallucinations, though the anti-smoking voodoo witch doctors would have you believe otherwise.

Now, if someone could be so kind as to call for help.....and bring me a cigarette.......for the love of God!!!!

Hot Polished-Rock on Polished Rock Action, the Movie!

In 1565, Holland's Peter Breugel painted "Hunters in the Snow" and another work depicting scenes resembling modern curling. Breugel's paintings support the premise held by some that curling originated in continental Europe. The Scots, however, are the undisputed developers and formalizers of the modern game. By 1638 curling was considered, with golf and archery (in M. H. Adamson's poem The Muses Threnodie), to be a usual recreational pastime and just as mind-numbingly as boring as golf and archery. After a huge growth spurt in the 19th century, curling was played by thousands in nearly every Scottish parish.

The origin of the so called sport is actually believed to have started by a dispute between two brothers living on opposite sides of a lake from one another. Though the argument today is widely debated, some believe that it was a disagreement about toast that grew out of hand, and ended finally one winter when both brothers tried to kill one another by throwing rocks. Having both lost their footing on the ice, the battle continued with the brothers, prone on the ice, attemptiing to brain one another using any rock withing reach and sliding them albeit slowly across the lake. Word reached the town, and by the time the folk made it to the lake the fighting was over. They were witness to the brother's wives on the ice, using brooms to gather pieces of cranium and brain matter....thus the sport of curling was born!

Between the 16th and 20th centuries, Scotland's climate warmed, and today the lochs rarely freeze. The climate change hindered curlers, who tried to kill one another outdoors on natural ice until the 20th century. Nonetheless the Scots had, by the mid-1800s, formalized curling's rules of play and equipment and had established the "mother club" of curlers worldwide, the Royal Caledonian Curling and Competative Crotcheting Club. The RCCCCC is today the national governing body of curling in Scotland, with 20,000 active members now playing indoors on refrigerated ice, or crotcheting cute little hats for one another near a fireplace at home.

The game of curling spread throughout the world through the efforts of thousands of Scottish soldiers and migrs settling their toast disputes at any body of frozen water that they could find. In North America, curling's origins likely date to the late 1700s. The first documented record is the founding of the Montreal Curling Club in 1807, who were the first to use curling to settle and argument originating somehow from Canadian Bacon.

In 1832, the Orchard Lake Curling Club, near Orchard Lake (makes sense, doesn't it?), became the first curling club in the United States, organized at the home of Dr. Robert Burns. The Orchard Lake group curled on Lake St. Clair, fifty miles away....why they did that is still a mystery that historians all agree is not worth investigating. The oldest continuously operating curling club in the United States is the Milwaukee, Wisconsin club, founded in 1845. The Scottish founders' roster included such names as Murray, Ferguson, Dunlop, Gunyon, Findlay, Kinney, McFarland and McFadyen.

The ice sport of curling, although never well known in the United States, has developed steadily throughout American history. The sport is often passed down through families and has provided enjoyable winter recreation and brain trauma to thousands of Americans.

In 2006, curling finally became a household name by becoming the apparently only God Damn event in the 2006 Winter Olympics!!!!

Take it from Clint, you can't fuck a wall outlet!

Actually, I don't have anything to write about. That title has just been giving me laughing fits since it was first said after both Clint and I failed to win the Powerball Jackpot.

That is all....stay tuned for next week when I write about "Drummers, and the people who are going to poison their water!"