the Greatest Blog I have EVER Written redux

Alright....so as many of you have figured out by this point, I'm a bastard. No, it's true. That last blog post of mine was nothing more than a false title with no body and set to private in my response to the growing number of private blogs being posted recently. Annoying, isn't it?
See, if you are going to write a blog post on your public forum, then why in the name of the toast that I dropped on the floor earlier today and ate it anyways would you then make it private?! Don't they still make those things of pages bound together called diaries? Some even have cute pictures on them of Hello Kitty, and some even say PRIVATE and come with tin foil locks.

Bah! Bah I say! Bah!

Bear with me here folks, I'm exhausted right now. I only started writing this post right now to explain the last post, as well as to let everyone in on the fact that I will be leaving from Pennsylvania tomorrow, first for the family swamp of Kansas City, and later for the state of Colorado. I might return here, and I might not. There is a good chance that Colorado might be my next homeless step towards the goal of Seattle. I really can't say right now. But, regardless, I'm leaving and probably not going to be online that often for the next several weeks.
Now, just because I'm not going to be around as often for a while doesn't mean that I don't love you. The truth is, I have never loved you, and if your mother had been on birth control pills like she said she was, we wouldn't even be discussing this now......wait.....sorry, I just suffered a weird flashback.

It's been a long, long day......I need to lay down. Goodnight.

the Greatest Blog I have EVER Written!!!

This blog post is set to PRIVATE and only the author and a select few of people better than you can read it.....and believe me, it changed all of thier lives!

Friday Ate all my Funyuns.....

As I'm sure most of you can't remember, yesterday was Friday....or to be more specific, April 20th....or 4/20.....THE 4/20!! Now, I had made up my mind long ago never to become involved with this particular day, especially after Nancy Reagan's captivating "Just Say NO to April 20th" campaign.....but the day snuck up on me much like the 12 year old dealer in those commercials: "Hey man, you wanna try something that's COOL?" "Uh, what?" "Some April 20th. It'll blow your mind!" "Uh....I...I don't know....Nancy says..." "What?! Are you CHICKEN?!" "I'm not chicken! You're a TURKEY!"....and then McGruff the Patriot Act Dog appears and says, "That's right little inbred Billy Bob! Only minorities and communists get involved with April 20th. Now, kick him in the balls and tell a teacher!"
I have to say that I felt pressured and cheated yesterday. I never agreed to April 20, and finding myself on it left me angry and with no one to kick in the balls besides the neighbor who was walking his dog...which led to my hiding from the cops for a good portion of the morning. I wasn't about to explain myself to the police due to the fact that they were blatantly on April 20th themselves!
Actually, as the day progressed, I started to notice just how many people were on April 20th. Everyone I encountered was, and it led to the realization that it was a safe assumption that EVERYONE was!!! This made me think that not only was the day far less dangerous than sold to me, but the whole War on April 20th was an overly expensive government implemented failure! I decided to just relax and experience the day with an open mind.
I have to admit here that I honestly don't know what the big deal is. None of the food that I consumed during the day tasted any better, the colors of things looked the same, I didn't feel at all any more creative than any other day, and I would still rather listen to the sounds of a kitten getting slowly strangled than listen to the Grateful Dead or Phish! Going further, I also experienced none of the negative effects promised me by the famed propaganda film 'April 20th Mania'; I didn't rob a bank, I didn't suddenly father 13 mexican children and go on welfare, Socialism didn't suddenly make sense to me, and I didn't create a Saturday morning program with people in costumes in order to corrupt the Nation's youth. It became clear to me that everything I have ever heard about this day was either a flat out lie, or exaggerated to insane proportions.
That is, until this morning. I awoke this morning to the sad truth that is April 20th as being a 'gateway' day. Don't believe me? Just look at your calendar.....it's already April 21st! As much as I never agreed to 4/20, I never expected to find myself on 4/21! At this rate, I'll find myself on April 22nd by the end of the day! If you do the math as I have, you will see the snowball effect of days leading to other days, eventually leading to the consuming of months, and then years! The only logical outcome to all this is our inevitable death, and I'm afraid the downward spiral is already in full effect.

Damn you day peddling Gregorians! Damn you!

When Ratios Attack...

There are more than a few simple truths in this life. Truths that are consistent for everyone. Proverbs such as: What goes up must come down; An apple never falls far from it's tree; A cow that is dragged to a far off land is still a cow; and, It is unwise to hide in a pride of lions while wearing a freshly killed game suit.
There are just as many, if not more, truths that govern us that have not yet made it to proverb form, such as: the sun will rise and set regardless; drinking too much poison will kill you; eating asparagus will make your pee stink; eventually, your favorite television program will be interrupted by a weather report; and, exposure to enough Ben Afflec acting will cause untreatable testicular cancer in men AND women!!
Beyond these are the truths that are particular to the individual. Verities in life that may only be true to us and us alone.

The problem with truths is that when and if they ever become 'untrue' all at once, or for a single moment, they can have devastating consequences on an individual, community, society or the world as a whole.
Evolution, for example, replaced the popular truth many subscribed to that we were all created by an all powerful omnipotent golden fart 'who art in heaven' that had a plan for each and every one of us. While many were able to adapt to this new truth, either by accepting it altogether or by interweaving it within the plan of their creator, countless others couldn't. Many refuse the new truth, while many more lost their minds and are found clinging to jars of peanut butter as testaments to their faiths.

The same can be said for the truths of the individual.
Recently I found myself with salsa and no chips. Two full, unopened jars of salsa, to be more specific, and not a chip in the house....not even a chip substitute like a cracker. While this might sound trivial to everyone else, it has always been in my life that chips will out number and outlast the salsa, both at home and in pseudo Mexican restaurants. And now, for the very first time in my 36 years, I find that it is otherwise. The very fact of it might honestly have already torn the very fabric of my existence. Only time can tell where or how this will lead. Will I awake one day to discover that the sun has stopped in one spot in the sky? Will apples now migrate miles from their trees? Will I be able to drag a cow somewhere only to discover that it has become Ben Afflec? Will I travel to a store to buy a new bag of chips?
And, such as the subatomic particle who, once observed, not only changes it's mode or velocity of travel, but overwrites it's entire history with this new mode, will whatever change resulting from my unfortunate chip to salsa ratio overwrite it's own history and thereby effect the history around it? Could we all possibly awake tomorrow in small pools filled with pond scum to a new existence where we have descended from salamanders and not primates?
In any case, I await the consequences with equal parts of childlike fascination and abject terror, and whatever the outcome, I sit here praying to this jar of Creamy Peter Pan that the following days finds you all only dusted from the breeze of the butterfly's wings in a new world.....possibly one without Canada.

So it Goes.....

One of my favorite stories about Kurt Vonnegut was relayed to me by a few professors that had taught at Iowa University for years. Apparently, a fun past time for him was to attend the final exams of classes that he didn't take (classes that were huge in numbers of students so he could test unnoticed), and about halfway through he'd throw a fit, as if he was a student that just reached the breaking point. He'd scream that he couldn't take it anymore, tear up his exam, throw the pieces in the air and run out of the room.
Why I never thought of this during my college days is beyond me! It just seems so necessary.

Kurt Vonnegut was one of the first writers that I fell in love with when I discovered that I actually enjoyed reading, regardless of the school system telling me that I should. His writing is simple and unpretentious, yet filled with a dark humor and subjects that are usually so off the wall that one would think that they couldn't be taken seriously....yet he could make them seem plausible.
It was with his books that I discovered that the strange ideas that I had swimming around in my own head might actually have a place in this world...a realization that I owe him greatly for.

For about a year of my life, I worked as the kitchen manager for a small, strange Tex-Mex restaurant known as Diamond Dave's in Iowa City. The kitchen window was situated just so, so that I had a near full view of the dining area beyond. One day, Kurt Vonnegut came in. He was in town to speak at the University, the same University that he threw stuff around in....and if I'm correct, the same University he was eventually kicked out of.
Needless to say, I was freaking out. I begged one of the waitresses to approach him and ask his name. Reluctantly, she did. She returned to tell me that I was wrong, that he claimed that his name was something about killing a fish. "Killgore Trout?!" I asked. She agreed. I then told he that she was stupid and I hated her. This was not uncommon. I constantly said this to many of the wait staff and they always laughed it off thinking that I was kidding, when more often than not, I wasn't.
This was when I was twenty years old, and still very self conscious and introverted/shy....and I didn't have the balls to approach him myself. That is probably for the best, all things considered, for I was wearing a damn hat that had chili peppers all over it....but I still sometimes kick myself thinking that I might have met one of my greater influences, maybe even had the chance to thank him and shook his hand....or at least get told to Fuck Off while he sat drinking margarita after margarita.
For the record...he likes his chimichanga almost burnt, and he wanted a hot sauce that he could "taste".

Goodbye Mr. Vonnegut....and thank you.

Kurt Vonnegut 1922-2007

When there is no more Room in the Easter Basket.....

...the Undead Bunnies will Walk the Earth.

Many people find it hard to believe when they find out that I actually enjoy Easter Sunday....but it's fairly obvious if you were to break the holiday down. Think about it. After you strip away the colorful packaging, that is, the magical bunny, the eggs, the chocolate and beans and pastel colors, the uncle that drank too much before dinner and is sitting in the corner trying his best to get you to pull his finger for a quarter....what are you left with? A story of a man that rose from the dead. In other words, a fucking zombie! Hot damn! A zombie savior who walked from his crypt to deliver the message to his followers that they to will someday die.....and rise again. A whole zombie army on God's side! And for those of you still in doubt, I offer you this: "Eat of this bread, it is my flesh. Drink of this wine, it is my blood..." What do zombies do? They eat the living! The last supper was the first official Undead Boot Camp! Screw the DaVinci Code!
And people have the nerve to try to tell me how much better of a place Heaven is over Hell! Can you even imagine? Paradise filled with millions and millions of undead, lumbering around, bouncing into one another on their quest for absolutely nothing because they're DEAD! And the stentch!! They are walking on clouds in full view of the sun, rotting for eternity! Stick some roadkill in a child's Easy Bake Over, and then multiply that by infinity and I doubt you would still even be close to scratching the surface of what that might be like.
But there you have it, why I enjoy Easter. Millions of people remembering their zombie savior with the ritual "egg hunt", happily waiting for the day that they too will perish only to be given the gift of zombiehood.

Now, Jesus definitely wasn't the first to come back from the dead, nor was he the last. Below is a short list of other contenders to our immortal souls:

Basically, it can be said that Jesus was the right zombie in the right place at the right time. A walking dead with a message that the masses needed to hear, and in a time when bunnies outnumbered rats, as well as still laid eggs. Any other time and place would have had Jesus facing being burned, shot in the head or stabbed in the heart and then beheaded....and then where would we all be? Living one life and one life only, therefore, forced to see it as a gift rather than a curse as well as being held accountable for our actions. Oh the horror!

In any case, I do hope this day finds you all well and with adequate shelter and supplies to outlast this pending zombie invasion better known as the rapture.