So, is everyone as excited as I am about the screen debut of our country's newest favorite white trash redneck? Oh yes, I speak of Larry the Cable Guy in "Larry the Cable Guy, Health Inspector", a movie so specialized in it's target market that it needed to keep "the Cable Guy" in the title as to not confuse it's pick-up driving imbred cash crop. Could you imagine the mass panic and confusion that could have happened had the film simply been titled "Larry, the Health Inspector"? Good ole boys everywhere would boil with anger at the pretender to the throne! "Good God that bastard is even trying to look just like our beloved Cable Guy!! That's it!! I'm gonna beat my girlfreind!"
Ok ok.....so I might have gone a bit too far with that.....beloved is obviously much too big of a word for Larry's fan base. I mean, really....this is a comic made popular by riding the ass fame of Jeff Foxworthy and spouting off the unbelievably unfunny phrase, "Git R Dun" after every fart joke. At least "you might be a redneck", as redundant as it became was still far more varied than "Git R Dun".
But really, why should I be so surprised at this pig fucker's success? I mean, I live in a nation that still give's it's mentally retarded president far too high of an approval rating all things considered. Maybe we truly are a nation of one liners, fart jokes and short attenti...Ooooooooo something shiney!
The Piles have Noses
Friday, March 10, 2006
Alright! So I admit that I'm a complete horror geek and actually went by myself to see 'the Hills have Eyes' on it's first day in the theaters. Weeeeeeeee!!! As far as my forced pretentious movie critique goes:
If there is any lesson to have ever been learned from watching horror films, it's that you NEVER take the shortcut suggested by the toothless creepy man who giggles to himself while suggesting it. But then, horror films would be much shorter and fairly boring like Thelma and Louise (yes, little did most people know, T&L was actually a horror film....they just took one right where they should have gone left). The summary of this story can be stopped here, because I'm sure you know by now where it's going.....they take the shortcut....and ooooooohhhh Shit!
This movie is everything the previews lead you to expect....complete with multiple and unnecessarry "BOO!" scares, buckets of blood, creepy killer rednecks, great birth defect make-up, unfortunately comical hero posturing to musical crescendos, ect. Is any of it believable? Not for a second. Is it entertaining? Hell yes it is!! Great fun!
That's the whole point of a movie like this one....to be completely fantastic and scary. Leave realistic to a drama with Harrison Ford (who really can't run by the way....I mean seriously, have you seen him run? It's embarrassing, and it's not just his age....he ran funny in Star Wars as well).
I would recommend this film to anyone who was a fan of Thelma and Louise, off of which this movie was loosely based.
If there is any lesson to have ever been learned from watching horror films, it's that you NEVER take the shortcut suggested by the toothless creepy man who giggles to himself while suggesting it. But then, horror films would be much shorter and fairly boring like Thelma and Louise (yes, little did most people know, T&L was actually a horror film....they just took one right where they should have gone left). The summary of this story can be stopped here, because I'm sure you know by now where it's going.....they take the shortcut....and ooooooohhhh Shit!
This movie is everything the previews lead you to expect....complete with multiple and unnecessarry "BOO!" scares, buckets of blood, creepy killer rednecks, great birth defect make-up, unfortunately comical hero posturing to musical crescendos, ect. Is any of it believable? Not for a second. Is it entertaining? Hell yes it is!! Great fun!
That's the whole point of a movie like this one....to be completely fantastic and scary. Leave realistic to a drama with Harrison Ford (who really can't run by the way....I mean seriously, have you seen him run? It's embarrassing, and it's not just his age....he ran funny in Star Wars as well).
I would recommend this film to anyone who was a fan of Thelma and Louise, off of which this movie was loosely based.
"Things were bad, But now they're good...FOREVER!!", Dr. Zoidberg
Thursday, March 9, 2006
It has been written, in some book that I can't remember the name of right this moment, that God created the world in six days....which, as someone who has browsed every channel on cable tv, I would have to assume was a lot of work. On the seventh day, God had a cigarette, which is why so called health experts and others of the non-smoking variety claim that it takes seven days before those that are quitting the addiction start to feel any real relief. This, of course, is complete anti-tobacco leftist pinko bullshit!
Here's some science for ya: some self-proclaimed "really smart" guys have established that there are 5 stages to death....that is, that one typically goes through five different emotional stages after losing someone close to them. These stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These are NOT separate stages for five total days! For some, these stages can take weeks, months, even years.
Now, those who are quitting smoking go through a similar series of stages, known as the 4,367 stages of quitting smoking....which contain the previous mentioned five, plus Screaming, Uncontrollable Blinking, Flatulence, Wrath, Unconsciousness, Stabbing, Fear of Toast, Oprah Watching and Acute Sensitivity to Bad Fashion.....just to name a few. And to think that someone can accomplish all of these stages in under a weeks time is not only laughable but should be punishable by death!
I have learned yesterday from my friend Clint, that I am now on my twelfth day without a smoke. I actually had no idea because it's hard to keep track of the days when you spend them screaming at the hallucinations to quit poking you with their tridents. Is it getting any easier you ask? Fuck you! Haven't you read anything I had written above?! Ok, sorry....that was as uncalled for as your stupid fucking question. I apologize.
In all honesty, no, it's not actually any easier right now in the sense that I don't feel any better and the cravings really haven't started to lessen any. What HAS changed is my risk of actually giving in and running down to the corner convenient store to buy a new pack....mostly due to the fact that I chewed off my own feet somewhere around the third day or so....I do believe it's the loss of blood that is causing the trident impaling hallucinations, though the anti-smoking voodoo witch doctors would have you believe otherwise.
Now, if someone could be so kind as to call for help.....and bring me a cigarette.......for the love of God!!!!
Here's some science for ya: some self-proclaimed "really smart" guys have established that there are 5 stages to death....that is, that one typically goes through five different emotional stages after losing someone close to them. These stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These are NOT separate stages for five total days! For some, these stages can take weeks, months, even years.
Now, those who are quitting smoking go through a similar series of stages, known as the 4,367 stages of quitting smoking....which contain the previous mentioned five, plus Screaming, Uncontrollable Blinking, Flatulence, Wrath, Unconsciousness, Stabbing, Fear of Toast, Oprah Watching and Acute Sensitivity to Bad Fashion.....just to name a few. And to think that someone can accomplish all of these stages in under a weeks time is not only laughable but should be punishable by death!
I have learned yesterday from my friend Clint, that I am now on my twelfth day without a smoke. I actually had no idea because it's hard to keep track of the days when you spend them screaming at the hallucinations to quit poking you with their tridents. Is it getting any easier you ask? Fuck you! Haven't you read anything I had written above?! Ok, sorry....that was as uncalled for as your stupid fucking question. I apologize.
In all honesty, no, it's not actually any easier right now in the sense that I don't feel any better and the cravings really haven't started to lessen any. What HAS changed is my risk of actually giving in and running down to the corner convenient store to buy a new pack....mostly due to the fact that I chewed off my own feet somewhere around the third day or so....I do believe it's the loss of blood that is causing the trident impaling hallucinations, though the anti-smoking voodoo witch doctors would have you believe otherwise.
Now, if someone could be so kind as to call for help.....and bring me a cigarette.......for the love of God!!!!
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