Eating the ass out of 2005!

Finally! The end of 2005 is in site!

This has been a particularly difficult year not only for myself, but for all of those I am close to. Close to home, this year has brought tidings of pain, saddness, deceit, betrayal, failures, unemployment, sickness and death! Not so close to home this year bore war, natural disasters, sickness, death......you know, this now being in written form is making this past year seem not so different than any other year before it. But it has felt different, more amplified to a volume that at times was unbearable! It could be that I did end up spending this year a lot less drunk and my spongy brain was able to retain and comprehend more, but I doubt that.

No, this year had been born with a poisonous thorn in it's ass that made it mad at the world and seeking revenge. I have recently been told that possibly God itself sent this year upon us as a test of our character, and if that's so, I know a lot of people who have failed and will have to be held back another year! Good luck to those poor bastards! Myself, I don't remember enrolling in God's class so it can stuff this pop test up it's Holy Ass....I'll drop out even if it guarantees me an incomplete when I die.

Now, I'm not saying that this year was all bad, not at all! I have spent time with some amazing people, learned who my true and lifelong friends are and met some more. I had been shaken out of my self-imposed creative hiatus and routine and borrowed money from my muse! (on interest I might add.....fucking muses!)

But that being said, I am glad this year is finally sounding it's death rattle and is making it's way to the Great Year Graveyard, which is a lot like a secret elephant graveyard, but with a lot less elephants....and by a lot less I mean none....none being zero......quit looking at me!

Oh, but this year is NOT going to get off that easy! No! It's going to take a mountain of porn! But that's not even what I'm talking about when I say getting off, pervert! No, this year will not be allowed to join those that came before it in their final resting place, it needs to be put down before that thus sending it into a purgatory where it can remain forgotten....I want this year to have the inability to resurface in ghost-like form (much like Obi-Wan did with Luke....I'm a nerd, what can I say?) keeping it from reminding me of itself, telling me who my real father is, not to follow the Dark Side, or to remember to put on pants before going out!

A hunting party has already been established, consisting of myself and my friend Clint.....more like a hunting duo.....that complains and threatens one another....ok, more like two dumbasses weilding sticks and walking in circles constantly asking the other if they know where they're going.....and it has recently come to my attention that Clint doesn't know and thanks to him we're now lost! My original plan was to use Clint as bait, and when 2005 pounced on him and started to feed, I was going to raise my weapon while all at once losing my nerve....and then I run like hell screaming and shitting myself! But now it seems that I'm going to have to just kill Clint and live off his carcass if I want to make it to see 2006!

If anyone finds this letter, Help! I am lost in the wilderness and running out of Clint soup! Please send money and an Xbox 360!

God damnit.....I hate 2005!

shitting on the wind chimes....

it's one am.....Clint is watching a movie.....and I can tell by the volume that he's watching it from four blocks away.....either that or he's hidden a fucking speaker in my pillow.....and watching it from three blocks away.....

My train of thought derailed again killing a small shanty town of migrant

I recently received a message from one of my friends, Shoobedoo, about how her son, Pvt. Caboose, liked my last blog so much that he reposted it complete with my brother's additions (a shout out to both of you by the way...woot!). Rereading it with my brother's input added made me realize how similar both our senses of humor are (now follow me here, this is the way my train of thought works when allowed to go unchecked)....which led me to think to myself, "well of course, we're both cut from the same jib." Dramatic pause....then, "What in the path of God's good Fart is a Jib anyways?" This led to a mental image of a medium sized, opaque grey grelatinous cube just wiggling alone on a stand...the ever elusive jib in all it's glory! "What a clever looking jib!", someone might say. "I'll cut two pieces from it and release them into the world to see if anyone can tell that they came from the same jib...A CONTEST I DECLARE!!" ...followed by the removal of two corners, because honestly...that's where you'd start cutting a cube. Then I thought of all the mishapen cuts made from non-corners of the jib and what the kinds of people that would make....flash to an image of Nelson (see earlier blog) pointing at things with his elbows. Enter now another person who sees the molested jib. "Who the hell's been cutting on the jib?!" - "Oh, that was me. Sorry." - "Who said you could just go and cut on the jib?! Just look at it now!" - "Wait a minute, why the fuck do I have to ask for permisson to cut the jib?" - "Is it your jib? NO! I don't think so! Do you know how hard it is to find these things anymore?" - "Wait a minute! Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my house?!"
At this point I find myself yet again alone and laughing out loud to myself, and I wonder if Clint ever hears this upstairs and just thinks that I'm insane? I think my jib was left out in the sun too long before my brother and I were cut from it...that definately would explain the sour milk smell.

The jeans are fine, it all the Drinking and Whoring that's making you Fat...

...or the Truth about Proverbs Revealed!

There are plenty of fish in the sea.
- Yes, but there are also sharks...and they'll eat you!

Theres more than one way to skin a cat.
- But the end result is always a sticky screaming skinless cat.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.
- Unless of course, it happens to roll through a patch of sticky, stone-sucking moss....found primarily in England.

Theres no accounting for taste.
- Which is why you don't see many successful Taste Accountant Offices around.

Time heals all wounds.
- Except for a severed head.

Two heads are better than one.
- See the above proverb to understand why.

Variety is the spice of life.
- Cannibals can come in all shapes and sizes.

Walls have ears.
- I suggest that you start wearing tin-foil and keeping to yourself.

A watched pot never boils.
- Unless of course you fill it with water and put it over a heat source, dumbass.

Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.
- I dare you to refer to a woman as "gander" to her face.

When it rains, it pours.
- Unless it's just a slight drizzle, you gloomy bastard.

A womans work is never done.
- Which is why I suggest that you beat her....she's making a fool out of you.

A word to the wise is sufficient.
- The wise tend to bore easily.

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
- But shit is still the best fly bait of all.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make him drink.
- But you can drown that ungrateful bastard of a horse.

You cant fit a round peg in a square hole.
- Unless you were to use tools, which is what got us all out of the jungles in the first fucking place!

You cant make a silk purse from a sows ear.
- And, seriously...a silk purse won't go with your new Sow Ear dress you made.

You cant squeeze blood from a turnip.
- Not without first soaking the turnip in blood for a minimum of 24 hours.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
- But a bullet in his brain will keep him away for good, and you could stop eating all those god damned apples.

Beauty is only skin deep.
- Yeah, tell that to the screaming cat.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.
- The main reason world domination has never been achieved by those in cahoots with mice.

Better late than never.
- Not wise to say when your job was simply to deliver life saving medicines.

Blood is thicker than water.
- Which is why a turnip needs to soak in it for so long.

Brevity is the soul of wit.
- Stupid people tend to babble on and on and on...

Cleanliness is next to godliness.
- That is of course, unless you worship a Mud God, then the cleanest of people are obviously witches and should be burned!

Cold hands, warm heart.
- The beginnings of hypothermia.

Curiosity killed the cat.
- No, the skinning of the cat led to it's death...let's not blame how it got there.

The devil is in the details.
- Which is why the Cliff Note version of the Bible is so popular in churches.

Dont cry over spilt milk.
- Unless your captor swore he'd fucking kill you if he returned to find the milk spilt...then cry your eyes out bitch!

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
- Unless you have reason to believe that it swallowed your keys...it's a far worse thing to just gut the horse in front of the giver without first being sure.

Dont throw out the baby with the bath water.
- That is, unless you happen to have a bath-water baby....then by all means throw it out....what would the community think?

The early bird catches the worm.
- But in the end, it's still a worm and tastes like ass...I suggest sleeping in and then having some coffee.

Every cloud has a silver lining.
- Why then, have people not made their fortunes as cloud miners?

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
- Smart people stink and have no friends.

Give him enough rope and hell hang himself.
- Which is far better than giving him the materials to make a shiv to stab you with!

Haste makes waste.
- The reason behind the low cost of housing near Haste Factories.

He who laughs last, laughs best.
- Those that tend to chuckle first get the ever loving crap kicked out of them.

Ignorance is bliss.
- Yes, everyone on Jerry Springer seem so damn happy.

Immitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
- Which fails to explain why plagiarism is so ill received.

Knowledge is power.
- Really really smart people could power a city block, while those that are merely clever stuggle keeping a string of xmas lights lit.

Love conquers all.
- This explains why Hitler lost...he just didn't love enough.

The meek shall inherit the Earth.
- It is very likely that the Great Meek Uprising will happen in your lifetime.

Old soldiers never die; they only fade away.
- So what exactly is buried in those cemeteries neighboring Veteran Hospitals?

A picture is worth a thousand words.
- Photographers are the most boring people on earth.

Out of sight, out of mind.
- Blind people are all insane!

Poets are born, not made.
- But ignored by everyone else nevertheless...now mimes, they are made in labs!

Procrastination is the thief of time.
- When Procrastination was finally arrested in '73, nearly three hundred years was discovered in the crawlspace or buried in the backyard.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
- Even the very best of pudding photographs can be faked, plus then you'd have to listen to the damn photographer for at least a thousand words!

The worm turns.
- Yeah...wait, what?!

message from the Doll .1....

...an open letter to the King

Thank you!
Thank you Burger King for being there, at the end of the street, when I'm desperate for lunch.
Thank you for your quick service and your ability to get an order of fries and one whopper wrong.
Thank you Burger King!
Thank you for your special sauce, a healthy mixture of ketchup and mayo mixed together, and the generous portions of it you slather onto your burgers like a meat and vegetable lubricant forcing the top and bottom halves to repel one another like opposing magnets.
Thank you for taking the initiative that I might want to wear my burger rather than eat it.
Burger King...I thank you....
Thank you for your ability to fit so little fries into a king size fry box.
Thank you for being there for me....Burger King....and your amazing ability to clog my arteries while curing me of any lingering threat of constipation so well, that I just shit my pants!

the case of missing coffee....

Ok, so I just finished making a pot of coffee. I prepared it in my favorite mug (ask Dr. Science) with creamer and a dash of sugar....stirring a bit. I know that I picked it up and brought it into my studio with me because I clearly remember sipping on it while walking through the door. Sitting down at the computer I log onto here, answer a few messages and then reach for my coffee...which turns out to not be there! I have absolutely no idea where it is right now! I've searched this whole apartment, and I haven't stepped outside on the porch yet; I don't believe that I'm missing any time nor does my asshole hurt (not any more than usual that is), so there's no real possibility that some grey man is sipping my coffee while looking at pictures of the inside of my rectum! Clint and I have discovered that this house has a ghost (for a later post), but I don't think it's graduated yet into hiding things from me.

I'm seriously at a loss here, and had to pour another cup in a different mug. If any of you see my coffee, tell it that I miss it and to come home. Things will be different, I promise!